Fly on the wall

After an interesting conversation in my office, I was walking back home. I was thinking about the discussion we had earlier today. Really an attractive topic to write on. Maybe I should add some more to make it spicy and write it. Hmm... it is always good to keep your ears open. You never know know when you will get such good ideas....

"Hey!" - Someone called me from behind. I turned. To my surprise it was Dude.

"Hey dude! What's up? Long time; no see".

"Pretty good. Yeah, I was somewhat busy with my exams and off to hometown for holidays. How is it goin?"

"Everything okay. So taking some courses?"

"Yup".

"How is your buddy?"

"He is doing great. Moved back home".

"I see. How is your writing coming up? Any new projects?"

"Hmmm.... I am not into more of writing nowadays."

"Why? Course loads?"

Quickly nodding, "Nay...it's like a pain.. you know, a weight that pulls you out of you.".

As usual I did not understand anything. "What?"

"You know. When you want to create something you must observe a lot of things. Afterall you are writing something that happens in your life, around you, in your world, among your people. So you got to be a non-stop observant ever. Man, that's ok. I like to observe things. But when it exceeds beyond a point and you start feeling that you are losing the pleasure of that thing...."

"Dude, can you tell me clearly?"

" Ok. Say if I am writing a script about a grad student life and make a character out of you, things will become harder for us. I will start watching you not as a friend but as a writer. Everything you do and speak will be noted by me and I will frequently bump into your privacy to know more about you. Also if you know about my script, you will try to stop moving with me. This may even terminate our friendship. Simply, I will be considered as a fly on the wall, sitting silently and observing keenly the characters for his play. To be true, even now I am not casual and try to capture most of you and your body language. I don't want to lose my people for my creativity. On the other hand, writing is my passion. I can't dump it. So, I decided not to write more."

"How true!!"

The Anbe Sivam in me

"Can someone suggest any idea to improve our country's economy?" - My History teacher threw an open question to the class of X standard. I stood up and said, "Our country should try to adopt an equal economical government". The whole class saw me with a different look. And there was an animated debate for the next half an hour. This happened nearly a decade ago. Period.

I was sitting in my room studying for my semester exams. I heard a dialogue from a TV serial - "Kaathalum puratchiyum pesaatha ilangnyane illa". I grinned. It was nearly five years ago. Period.

Pongal 2003. KamalHassan and Madhavan starring "Anbe Sivam" got released. I was all excited to watch the movie asap. But could not watch it for the next three months due to some reasons. My friends who saw it commented 'movie sucks'. Period.

Three years later. Today I am sitting and chewing my old memories while the film's OST is playing in my background. To be true I have no knowledge about the philosophy or the social movement talked in the film, nor I am trying to put up a review of the movie (I am still ignorant of the science and the art of cinema to review it).

The film deals with two issues, one blended over the other, like layers of interwined threads that appears to be single large rope - equal economy and humanity. My questions are how these two are related and what made me and my friends to give such reactions in the past. When I was trying to figure out I came up with some facts that I believe to be convincing answers.

Luckily, I was able to find some relation between these two after an advanced search. Probably I think the basic connectivity might have been developed from the concept of equality in the social status in the first philosophy and the underlying idea of selflessness and mutual concern that humanity talks about.

Now, the movie has three characters. Yes! I mean three. Mr. Nallasivam, the not so good looking humane peace lover, Mr. A.Arsu, the handsome ad maker who always seem to be in a hurry and Mr. Anbarasu, the man who evolved from A.Arsu after meeting Nallasivam.

I was never a Nallasivam and I am pretty sure I can never ever become one unless some external force influences me. I am still wondering what made me to tell such an answer to my History teacher when I was only 15! Maybe some attempt to pull the attraction of the class or to get into the teacher's good books. The hapenning of events later in the next ten years made me to think that answer could not have opened straight from my heart.

Maybe I could have been an Anbarasu earlier. That's why I might have grinned on the second occasion. Even if I had told the answer from my heart out of blue, I should have (and still am) thought it was the offspring of a quick crush that I had with that philosophy (remember the dialogue also touches infactuation). It could have been one of my smile of frustration. A smile that signifies something is lost. If I had not told the answer in a real manner, then it could have been a smile of pretention - something that reminds me to what extent I can sham myself to achieve something.

During the third occasion, I was entering the phase of being A.Arsu. And, I was not realizing it then. So do my friends. To put in simple words, "we were grown". No more kids; we are adults. We were becoming responsible and ofcourse we had to take care of our life. Quickness became our motto. We had no time to stop and see things around us. We were too busy to think about life beyond career growth. Events were happening in the same pace we wanted them to, otherwise we were the odd ones. Note that we never wished to be the odd ones. We either wanted to lead a group or atleast be the last follower (if none of our efforts to be the leader suceeds). Isn't it fair? We toil hard, burn midnight oil, compete with our friends, run behind a fast moving target. We sacrifice many things and why not expect something in return? I did not find anything wrong when my friends did not like a slow, not-so entertaining film. To be true, I didn't have any strong sentiment to the film when I had the opportunity to view it first.

Now, I am in other hemisphere of the globe. I am now a complete A.Arsu, one of the young benefactors of today's global economy. I have thousands of A.Arsu's as my friends back home and here. I am left with nothing but some childhood memories of humanity to masticate with. I don't know a way out for the man in me. I hardly have time to search for an exit to him out and find an entrance to let in a new one. By 'new one' I mean Anbarasu. I know Nallasivam is a grape for the fox in me. Last, but not the least I hope one day A.Arsu will turn as Anbarasu....The question is..... How long is the wait?

My Mementoed Memories

NOTE: This narrative style is highly inspired from Christopher Nolan's "Memento" screenplay.

I am on cloud nine. I am driving a car. Though I have driven cars a bunch of times before, I am still uncomfortable. I am wearing a violet checked full sleeve shirt and blue Lee jeans. I am driving in the local roads of suburbs. "Watch out for stop sign and when you apply brakes, don't jam it" - K told me. I could feel a sense of caution and responsibility and a little anger in his voice. K is really a good person.

It is 10:00 AM. I am still lying in my bed. Shouldn't I be working? Now...I remember it is Saturday. Oh...!What a long week has it been? I tried to recollect the events happened in the last five days. I couldn't get everything precisely.

K is really a good person. K, R and I are going to play pool. Today we are not playing bowling since no one turned up. We are only three. We are walking towards the rec center. I ask K casually, "Can you teach us driving in your car?". He says "OK". "Shall we go tomorrow?". "Why not today?"

I couldn't get everything precisely. Damn! I forget things. Someone said memory is unreliable. How true? Why can't humans remember everything in their brain. Everything..I mean it. Everything from food, dress, words spoke, people met. Everything, my dear!

"Why not today?" I ask my brother. "Why we shouldn't watch Fun with Dick and Jane today"? "You see. It's raining heavily. I can't drive to the theatre now". "Don't let out some lame excuses. We are half way to the theatre. You can ride to this fast food to get our lunch. can't you drive another 15 miles?". "Cut the crap. It was nice when we started. And comparing eating and watching a movie is like comparing apples wih oranges". I am disappointed and angry.

Everything my dear! I must have some means to remember everything that happened to me. Something that I can refer after sometime later in my life and smile. How exciting! I remember what I scored in my high school final exam. But to be honest I didn't remember what did I say to my mom immediately after I know my marks. If I had some records where I can refer to my earlier conversations, how sweet it will be.

I am disappointed and angry. I told my brother yesterday four times that I am coming at 2:00 PM today. Why the hell he is not here to pick me? You know something. It is the most irritating thing to wait for someone in the cold when you expect someone to be there before you. "Are you waiting for a long time?" he asked. "Hmm.."."I'm sorry. I had to fill gas". "Hmmm..". "How was your skiing?". "Not bad".

How sweet it will be to have a memory database. A large collection of events that happened earlier in my life. How to make it? Diary? Hmm...I don't like writing diaries. Yeah! I am lazy and don't want to pull out a diary and fill out something everynight before I go to sleep. What else?

Not bad. In fact I felt real good. It was like floating in clouds when I changed to my usual shoes. Those ski boots were like dinosaurs. I can't even stand stand straight with those on. Anyways it was a thrilling and exciting experience. Also had a lot of fun. I feel I did a lot for a beginner.

What else? Nothing is coming to my mind. It must be something that I should update regularly. No excuses. But at sometime it will evolve as a habit, compelling me to write daily even if I don't have anything to write, just like brushing my teeth everynight even if I fast! So it really is nothing but a binder. I don't want to be bonded to something.

A lot for a beginner. This instructor is teaching a lot about skiing in an hour. Fastening the ski blade itself a pain in the rear. Now I have to catch the lift and go all the way up and ski downwards. Heck no! I am not doing it. I don't want to fall down and hurt myself....It is about one-half hours we came. All my buddies are skiing. I am alone. This is my final try to catch the lift. If not, I quit. I stand before the rail bending myself forward and waiting for the lift. I catch the lift and go upwards. I am now it the top. I must go down now. I am really scared. Thanks to N. He boosted me to ski down. Now I am skiing. I am experiencing a feeling that must be the mix of fear, thrill, excitement and happiness.

I don't want to be bonded to something. I must enjoy my freedom. Its me who must decide to write or not. Something that never questions me. Do I know anything? Let me think... Hmm... How about a blog? A blog? Not a bad idea. But not good either.

I am experiencing a feeling that must be the mix of fear, thrill, excitement and happiness. Think it must be the result of the relief of anxiety. Everytime I have this when I check my grades. This time it is good. Three As. A great relief.

"Not good either" I say to myself. It is in public domain. Open to everyone. So you have no privacy. Do you really want to give a shot? Why not? Who is going to read it until I tell my URL. Even if I did I hope only a few will.

A great relief. Completed the semester. Not really a taxing one. But you know, the sigh you give after every burden you unload. Entering into so-called holidays for a month. Let me see how I use my holidays.

Yes only a few will check my blog and they are obviously known to me. Why fear about privacy, security, blah, blah, blah? Also R has one. Did he ever told about privacy issues? Why worry? Yup, must try a hand. See how long it lives. Must be a good source to improve my writing English. Okay, will start soon.

"Let me see how I use my holidays?" I tell to myself. Four days of Thanksgiving vacation. Had a lot of plans. To go to bro's place, spend time, practise driving.... all castles in air are no more. Had to complete an assignment. Due on Monday. Last minute pressure. We must always be ready to expect the unexpected. Really a different Thanksgiving vacation.

Okay will start soon. But won't let it know to everyone immediately. Will wait for a couple of days to make it official. Shall I start today? Today... no I have to go out. Ok tomorrow, Sunday.

"Really a different Thanksgiving vacation" I thought to myself. I plan to go to my bro's place. Must practise driving atleast two days. Also we may go somewhere. It has been a long time since we had a good road trip. Can't wait for the holidays. "Hopefully should have some news for my next post" I think about the approaching holidays.

Sunday. I am all prepared. I have my breakfast. Create an account and open a blog. Must give a catchy name. It must be my reflection. Also a good URL address. I start thinking.....I am still thinking. Heck! It is almost an hour I am looking for names. I am going to stick with this. So I go online. I have my own blog to write my memories. I am on cloud nine.

So you call me....

An unusual month in winter....really not so cold in this 'has to be' cold season. Something different makes me worried about the approaching summer. If it is close to 40s in winter, I couldn't imagine how it's going to be in summer. I am not in the game. So... you call me cautious.

Things are as usual. Getting up day by day, facing same things again and again, doing or not doing the cliched habitual duties. Life is getting close to Bill Murray's "Groundhog" experience. Must try to find out a way to make it more happening....or less happening! So... you call me fussy.

Nothing came up in my mind to write. Waited for a couple of days. No start. Felt like writing something to show myself on the league. Still trying to get some interesting topic to scribble on. Couldn't believe I drained out so early. So... you call me unimaginative.

With no idea I started. Filled up the space with nothing. So I have a post ready to publish. Just like Seinfeld - as George refers "the show about nothing", this turned out to be a post about nothing. So...you call me now....what?

Amidst a conversation...

"So, you don't agree with Darwinism?" said the guy next to me.

"Not completely. But I don't believe there is any logic in it" responded the the one from my back.

It was around 8:00 PM. The place was barely lit. I was sitting next to the door. There were seven other people sitting around me. Beyonce was singing in the CD player.

What is this description? Hell! Who needs description? I'm hungry. I had my lunch sometimes before 1 O'clock. I feel like falling down. Someone please give me something to eat...Pizza, burger, cookies,...something.....please.

"It is ridiculous to turn down evolution theory" said someone from the front.

"How could you explain the birth of human beings without evolution? Something related to theism is absurd". This time a gentleman from my side.

"It is not like that...You must understand it has a lot of flaws...."

"Not any flaws. It is a hypothesis. May be some errors here and there, but we can't completely ignore it. You must understand..."

"It is an old story...Kinda old wine in a new bottle..."

I heard a lot of voices around me. Beyonce continued singing. I wish I had cotton plug. Luck me! I felt like blacking out. Please for God's sake give me something edible. And get me out of this place.

"Everything cannot be accepted blindly. There must be reason for anything".

"Don't you agree this theory has sufficient reasoning..."

"If so, you are contradicting you..."

"What a crappy reason..."

"You can't call something trash if you don't understand it..."

"I was not.."

Beyonce was in her highest pitch. My eyes are cannot control the lids to remain open. I am exhausted...This is it! I'm not taking this anymore. I am getting out from this noisy dungeon right now. I opened the window and stepped out.

Aaaaaarrrrrrggghhhh!

I fell on the road with a great speed. I had wounds in my legs and bruises in my hand. When I touched my forehead, I felt blood. My whole body was in pain. i heard brakes screaching in the front and in the back. Also honks and sirens. Next second I realised that I was travelling in a minivan that was cruising with a speed of 65mph in a interstate highway.